Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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