Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
