Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
