who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
