I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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