all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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