Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
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i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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