Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
