I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
