did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
