Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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