you traded sex for a burrito?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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