before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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