I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
