i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
