My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
