She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
