i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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