Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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