Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
