If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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