I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
