I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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