those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
