As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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