i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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