ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
