I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
