yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
