I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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