i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
