so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
