Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So apparently I’m into choking now
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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