I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
