My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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