ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
