i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
