This is not my ceiling
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
