Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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