i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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