I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
