My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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