Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
