So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.