I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How external is "for external use only"?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.