Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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