well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
