Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life