I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
