I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
