my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
