I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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