I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
