I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
