Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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