The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
