aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
