peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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