there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
