Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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