i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
