I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
