By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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