I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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