Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
